Reasons Why Divorce Is Invoke And Ways to Limit It
Divorce is also known as dissolution of marriage, it is the process of terminating a marriage or marital union. Divorce usually has to do with cancelling or reorganizing of the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage, thus dissolving the bonds of matrimony between a married couple under the rule of law of the particular country or state. Divorce laws differs considerably around the world, but in most countries, divorce requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process, which may involve issues of distribution of property, child custody, alimony ( i.e. spousal support), child visitation, parenting time, child support, and division of debt. In most countries, monogamy is required by law, so divorce allows each former partner to marry another person.
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When those that are in a common-law relationship break up, it is referred to as separation, instead of a divorce.
Divorce is different from annulment, which declares the marriage null and void, with legal separation or de jure separation (a legal process by which a married couple may formalize a de facto separation while remaining legally married) or with de facto separation (a process where the spouses informally stop cohabiting). Reasons for divorce vary, from sexual incompatibility or lack of independence for one or both spouses to a personality clash.
The only countries that do not allow divorce are the Philippines, the Vatican City and the British Crown Dependency of Sark. In the Philippines, divorce for non-Muslim Filipinos is not legal unless the husband or wife is an alien and satisfies certain conditions. Vatican City is an ecclesiastical state, which has no procedure for divorce. Countries that have relatively recently legalized divorce are Italy (1970), Portugal (1975), Brazil (1977), Spain (1981), Argentina (1987), Paraguay (1991), Colombia (1991), Andorra (1995), Ireland (1996), Chile (2004) and Malta (2011).
Reasons for Divorce
Reasons for divorce include infidelity, lack of communication, financial troubles, starvation of sex by a spouse, lack of intimacy. Some of these reasons are being explained as follows;
Infidelity: Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for divorce. Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the break of most marriages that end in divorce. Anger and resentment are common underlying reasons for cheating, along with differences in sexual appetite and lack of emotional intimacy. According to an infidelity expert Ruth Houston, infidelity starts as an innocent friendship. “It starts as an emotional affair which later becomes a physical affair”. It is also one of the legal reasons for divorce, besides living apart for more than a year and subjecting your partner to cruelty (mental or physical).
Money: Money makes people behave funny some times. According to several studies and divorce statistics, a “final straw” reason for divorce is lack of financial compatibility and money mistakes in marriage. Issues ranging from different spending habits and financial goals, one spouse making considerably more money than the other causing a power struggle that can strain a marriage to the breaking point. “Money really touches everything. It impacts people’s lives,” said Emmet Burns, brand marketing director for SunTrust. Clearly, money and stress do seem to go hand in hand for many couples. Financial troubles can be categorized as one of the biggest causes of divorce, following infidelity, the number one reason for divorce. Money issues can strain a marriage to the breaking point.
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Lack of communication:
Communication is very important in marriage, not being able to communicate effectively quickly leads to resentment and frustration for both, impacting all aspects of a marriage. Hence, good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Yelling at your spouse, not talking enough throughout the day, making nasty comments to express yourself are all unhealthy methods of communication that need not be used in marriage. Poor communication is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Practising mindful communication, to change age-old marriage mistakes, can be hard but it is well worth the effort to improve and save your relationship.
From complaining about chores to arguing about the kids; incessant arguing kills many relationships. Couples who seem to keep having the same argument over again often do so because they feel they are not being heard or appreciated. Many find it hard to see the other person’s point of view, which leads to a lot of arguments without ever coming to a resolution, which can ultimately be a cause of divorce.
Weight gain: It may seem awful, odd or unfair, but weight gain is one of the most common reasons for divorce. In some cases a significant amount of weight gain causes the other spouse to become less physically attracted while for others, weight gain tends to affect their self-esteem, which triggers into issues with intimacy and can even become a cause of divorce.
Unrealistic expectations: It is easy to go into a marriage with a lot of expectations; expecting your spouse and the marriage to live up to your imagination of what they should be. These expectations can put a lot of strain on the other person, leaving you feeling let down and setting your spouse up for failure. Wrong expectation setting can become one of the reasons for divorce.
Lack of intimacy: In a situation where there is the absence of feeling of connection between couples, it can destroy a marriage because it leaves couples feeling like they are living with a stranger or more like roommates than spouses. This can be as a result of lack of physical or emotional intimacy and it is not always about sex. If you are constantly giving your spouse the cold shoulder, then know that over time it can become the ground for divorce and also ignoring your partner’s sexual needs is being called the number one cause of divorce in recent times. Making your relationship intimate and special is the responsibility of both partners. Practice little acts of kindness, appreciation and enjoy physical intimacy as much as possible to sweeten your relationship as a lack of intimacy can quickly ruin a marriage
Lack of equality: Lack of equality is another cause of divorce. When one partner feels that they take on more responsibility in the marriage, it can alter their view of the other person and lead to resentment. Resentment often develops to become one of the reasons for divorce, however; it is a leading cause of divorce. In other words, every couple must negotiate through their own and unique set of challenges, and find their own way of living together as two equals who enjoy a respectful, harmonious and joyful relationship.
Not being prepared for marriage:
A good number of couples who are divorced are those who were not prepared for married life, they often think that marriage is a bed of roses. Divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s. Lack of preparation is one of the most common reasons for divorce.
Almost half the divorces occur in the first 10 years of marriage, especially between the fourth and eighth anniversary.
Abuse: Abuse is one of the reasons for divorce. Physical or emotional abuse is a sad reality for some couples. It does not always mean that the abuser is a “bad” person; deep emotional issues are usually to blame. Regardless of the reason, no one should tolerate abuse and removing yourself from the relationship safely is important.
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Addiction: Substance abuse or addiction of any kind – alcohol, drug, gambling, sexual predating, compulsive lying, or excessive smoking breaks a marriage irreparably. It takes a toll on your relationship with your spouse, impedes your career growth, disturbs the financial equilibrium, and leaves a negative impact on children.
A difference in parenting styles: A gap in parenting styles is one of the most common causes of divorce. For instance, if you are a strict disciplinarian who gives no leeway for any kind of misbehaviour or cuts slack in discipline from children, while your spouse has a more relaxed and flexible approach to rules. In this scenario, children would naturally gravitate towards the parent who is fine with breaking or bending rules. This tug of war in parenting style and lopsided dynamics can lead to an estrangement between spouses if they are not able to handle it properly.
When you don’t marry for love: If you have married your partner because they look beautiful, attractive, hot and sexy or if your partner had married you for your wealth and looks, then the foundation of marriage is not true love. A marriage lacking foundational love is not strong enough to overcome relationship challenges and eventually succumbs to the end of love and need to be together.
Lack of sincerity: Sometimes insincerity, dishonesty, and lies creep in a relationship over a period of time. When one partner is dishonest with the other, even if the couple decides to make-do with living together for the sake of children, the comfort of familiarity, social security, and finances, the marriage is bound to break. Lack of full disclosure in terms of finance, whereabouts, emotions and other aspects of life eventually may attribute to reasons for divorce.
Losing of identity: It often occurs in women, if you are a woman, sometimes loss of individuality hits you without you even realizing the gravity of it, sometimes becoming one of the causes of divorce. Your status is relegated to being a loving and caring wife, a perfect mother, a dutiful daughter-in-law, and years down the life you realize that you have lost every shred of you and even lost your identity also, to aggravate the situation, your sacrifices go unacknowledged. Losing your original self and lack of recognition for your contribution to your spouse’s life can be very frustrating and it is one of the most common reasons for divorce.
Irreconcilable differences: Ongoing conflicts can leave a marriage at a stage where there is no point of return. If conflicts happen very often and on trivial issues, it leads to prevalent unpleasantness in a couple’s life and the relationship crumbles. A point of no return is one of the divorce reasons, even if it does not constitute one of the most common grounds for divorce.
Long-distance relationship: Being separated from your partner by miles, and struggling to remain close and yet failing, is one of the top reasons for divorce. A lot of misunderstandings, suspicion, frustration, and lack of communication stems from a lack of physical proximity. In a long-distance relationship, partners end up imagining the most dreadful reasons for their spouse not picking up the call, or responding to messages. Lack of responsiveness and unavailability in a relationship may end up as the leading cause of divorce.
Control struggles in relationships: Toxicity arising out of a need to control between partners is why people get a divorce even if they had a strong love bond at the beginning of a relationship. The need to intrude, isolate a spouse from others, coerce and control a partner by dictating terms to them leads to unpleasantness and a feeling of suffocation between couples. A thirst for control can destroy a relationship beyond repair.
Interference of parents in marriage: If your in-laws interfere in every conversation, decision and lifestyle choice that you and your partner make, it can end up making to the list of valid reasons for divorce. It is annoying to have somebody telling you, no matter how experienced and wise they are, on how to interact, what to do with your life and where and when to go. An overbearing, looming presence of in-laws in a couple’s married life is one of the causes of divorce today.
Jealousy and insecurity: As opposed to a common belief, jealousy is not a sign of love. On the contrary, jealousy and insecurity can lead to cracks in a relationship and eventually become one of the reasons for divorce. Jealousy often stems from a lack of self-esteem, emotional instability, feelings of possessiveness, inadequacy, unhealthy codependency, and anxious attachment style. Unwarranted jealousy in a relationship wreaks havoc on the relationship stability. Amongst other reasons for divorce, the inability to deal with jealousy and insecurity is a potential threat to a marriage.
No marriage is easy. Even couples with the best intentions are sometimes unable to overcome their challenges and end up in courtrooms. That’s why it’s important to address issues in your relationship early on, don’t let them become one of the reasons for divorce. Don’t wait until they are beyond fixing. Practice kindness, make intimacy a priority, go on holidays and seek marriage counselling (even when things are fine) to preserve the health and longevity of your relationship. Try your very best before you decide that things are beyond your control, there are too many reasons for divorce and it is time to give up. That way you can have the peace of knowing you tried all of the alternatives before the big step. Divorce is one of the worst things you can experience emotionally, but sometimes, it’s inevitable and for good.
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Things That Couples Should Always Do In order To Avoid Divorce
1: Make time to connect lovingly with your spouse every day: A couple can significantly improve their chances of marital success by devoting as little as 15 minutes a day exclusively to each other. For instance, you could wake up a little earlier, and spend the extra time in bed cuddling, making love, and reaffirming your love for each other. Take time every day to have meaningful conversations with each other; to listen with the same intensity as when you were dating; to touch, hug, and show affection; to tell each other how you feel about your marriage, and to talk about your goals for the marriage and your lives.
2: Compliment your spouse regularly, both in private and in front of others: Even if your partner seems embarrassed or shrugs it off at first, the glow from sincere praise lasts a long time. When your spouse is not doing it right some words of encouragement will go a long way in boosting the person’s confidence.
3: Love your spouse in the way he/she wants to be loved: We often make the mistake of assuming that the things that touch our hearts the most deeply will affect our partner in the same way. For instance, you may think red roses are the perfect gift, but to your spouse, they represent a waste of money and an allergy attack. If you don’t already know, find out what your spouse yearns for, and then deliver it with love and no comments about how “stupid” it is to want a cordless drill/a picnic on the living room floor/a tuna casserole. Remember, the best gift is something your spouse wants not merely something you want him/her to have.
4: Take care of your appearance: Look your best for your spouse. Lose the ratty sweat pants or frayed sweater he/she hates so much; you can find other comfortable clothes that aren’t a complete turn-off for your partner. This also means taking care of your health including eating properly and exercising regularly.
5: Remain faithful: Dr Finnegan Alford-Cooper studied 576 couples who had been married for 50 years or more; in 1998, she released her findings in the book For Keeps: Marriages that Last a Lifetime. In her study, she found that 95 per cent of the spouses agreed that fidelity was essential to a successful marriage, and 94 per cent agreed or strongly agreed that marriage is a long-term commitment to one person. And these “lifers” weren’t making the best of a bad lot: a whopping 90 per cent of the couples she surveyed said that they were happily married after 50-plus years.
6: Do things together: Another common factor of long-term happy marriages is that the spouses regularly do things together that they find fun and exciting. Whether that’s ballroom dancing, bowling, playing cards, SCUBA diving, or skiing, participate in at least one activity that you both enjoy every week. If you have kids, make sure at least half of these activities are for you and your spouse only.
7: Spend time apart: You take a pottery course while your spouse plays hockey; you play bridge and your partner collects stamps. You don’t have to love everything your partner loves, but you do have to allow him/her the freedom to pursue cherished hobbies. An added bonus is that separate interests can generate interest between you.
8: Be friends with your partner: John Gottman, a psychology professor who claims his research will predict with 91 per cent accuracy whether a couple will stay together, says the key to marital happiness and success is friendship. Some of the most important aspects of this type of friendship are; know each other intimately, demonstrate affection and respect for each other on a daily basis, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Gottman based his findings on 25 years of marital research, which he presented in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
9: The Terms of Endearment: Top Los Angeles divorce attorney Stacy D. Phillips says flowers, candy, cards, and gifts are all wonderful tokens of love, but if you really want your romance to last, you must practice some marriage-saving steps. She advises couples to spell out the basics of their relationship in a yearly contract or at least to clarify them. “Most disputes that break up marriages are over sex and money,” she says. “Don’t let surprises lead to trouble. Marriage is like any other contract; its terms and conditions must be reviewed and updated.”
10: Say “I love you” every day: This is especially important when you’re not feeling the sensation of love; at these times, you have to actively generate it. Saying those three little words, and performing loving gestures, will warm both you and your spouse’s hearts.
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